Like an Easter ham

You know those cute coordinated family Halloween costume pics?

This is not one of them.

Well, at one time several years ago before the Zoloft weight gain this Anna costume was part of a super cute Frozen family ensemble. This year, our department at work decided to do a Disney theme.

Great, I thought. I already have the Anna costume.

I’d forgotten how even a few years ago, this costume barely fit. When they say size large, I fear that’s not by U.S. sizing.

I tell you I was fighting for my life this morning trying to get it on in the rush before taking my daughter to school…..

Once the blouse was squeezed over my head, there was almost no going back. I was bent over with my 8 year old pulling from the top, trying to get it back the way it came. I thought I was going to have to entrust a third grader with cutting this blouse off my torso like unwrapping an Easter ham.

Blessedly, the top popped off and I was able to instead use those scissors to slice the blouse all the way down the side and to do the same for the bodice.

A belt is holding it all together by a thread.

Let’s just say, the skirt is not zipped. At all.

Any attractiveness this wig once had has long been lost in storage.

Even if your costume doesn’t fit and you don’t have a cute coordinated family costume this year, I hope your Halloween that’s held together by a belt and a thread is a happy one.

Just scrub

Were we as gross as our kids are when we were kids? Did we not brush our teeth unless constantly reminded, and even then sometimes we lied about it?

Did our fingernails always have dirt under them?

Did our parents have to say, “Use soap! Wash longer! Did you put on deodorant?”?

I don’t think they did.

I feel like we just scrubbed, unsolicited.

Girl talk

This mom was really unfriendly to me tonight at a school event.

Our daughters are the best of friends, or at least that’s what I thought.

I’ve been trying to arrange a play date, and she’s basically doing Matrix moves to avoid me and the topic.

I’m starting to think maybe my daughter hasn’t been as nice to her daughter as I expect her to be.

This is a lot to contemplate, and I have to say that grown-up girl drama with a Diet Coke over a Bingo game sucks about as much as it did back then with Capri Suns over a board game of Girl Talk.

Christmas toilet rugs and tempers

I was in the checkout line today at Kmart and a woman in front of me suddenly called out angrily, “Let’s go! We’ve waited 10 minutes and I don’t have time for this! I have an appointment in 15 minutes.”

She grabbed her preschool-aged son’s hand, threw down on the counter two giant bags of popcorn and walked out.

Usually, I would think all the judgy thoughts in a situation like this. Woman, get your ish together.

But moments earlier she had been on the phone with someone, telling them to take deep breaths and calm down.

This woman is obviously dealing with situations I know nothing about. But I have been in her shoes. People depending on me when I can hardly depend on myself. Overwhelmed and ready to snap at the tiniest thing.

This morning I also had an appointment scheduled in 15 minutes. I was in a better state of mind this particular day.

She wasn’t, and that’s ok.

Right as this woman headed out the store exit, the register in front of me cleared up. I called out to her, and she came back to pay, still huffy.

I’m glad she got her popcorn, and I hope she was on time for her appointment and the person on the other end of her phone call is calmer now and that she is too.

Also, aren’t these Christmas toilet rugs the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?

With conviction

This morning at school drop off, I was waiting as usual with zero patience for the cars to move up.

Finally, a mom driving a minivan flipped her head around wildly to look for traffic before pulling away from the curb.

Except she didn’t pull away from the curb. She ever so slowly inched her car forward so she could look around wildly again before leaving the safety of the curb with the confidence of a child on ice skates for the first time.

If this woman just looked, signalled and left the curb with conviction, all would have been fine and dandy.

But we women don’t often enough do things with conviction. We don’t say things with conviction either.

Last week, our family attended a Girl Scout ceremony for my daughter’s service unit. Listening to the woman leading the whole shebang was top 45 painful experiences of my life. She whispered. She swallowed her words. She giggled awkwardly. This is a leader. Among girls. Girls who badly need to hear strong female voices.

When it was time for the girls to speak, they also whispered and swallowed their words. They spoke without conviction.

I thought that maybe I could offer to lead a session on public speaking for these girls. Maybe I could invite a city official I work with who is an excellent presenter to do a lesson.

It wouldn’t take much. Girls just need to see examples of women meaning what they say, and committing to what they do.

Loud and proud. With conviction.

In their Prime

Well, shit.

Who knew it wasn’t the drugs I needed to worry about being passed around my kids’ school so much as this stuff.

My daughter came home talking about Prime like Taylor Swift herself held a surprise concert at her school.

Kids will do ANYTHING for Prime drinks, she told me.

One evening my husband showed up with a couple boxes of these “add water” packets. Today, I let my daughter put one in her school water bottle. I told her it wouldn’t be a regular occurrence because they don’t seem very good for you. You would think I gifted her my life savings.

Of course, I had to try some of the stuff myself. Let’s just say the lemon lime flavor is giving essence of toilet cleaner.

Kids, man. In their prime.